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YAPS... Bottom 5 Holidays  

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In the second edition of the best/worst holidays we will count down the worst five holidays.

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5. Halloween

It’s not technically a holiday and for good reason. As a kid it was something to do before you could legally drink. Now it’s just annoying. While I enjoy seeing chicks dress up like whores, the whole idea is ridiculous. Sure there are some fun parties to attend and the occasional trip into Salem, Mass can be fun (provided you don’t get stabbed), haunted houses are always lame and so is the gorging yourself with candy. Not to mention ever since I bought my new car every Halloween turns me into Paul Revere keeping watch atop a lighthouse. I know when I was a kid there was plenty of silly string and shaving cream to go around. As a young narcissist Halloween felt like a day for us teens. Now knowing how much more self involved kids are, my new car may be a target. I know I’m being paranoid since nothing has happened in three years, but the fear still remains. Teenagers with a sense of entitlement can be some of the most destructive. Luckily in the back of my mind I also know that teenagers now have unlimited access to YouPorn, so they probably have their hands full.

On a positive note, funny stuff like this has happened thanks to Halloween…

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4. Your Birthday

Nobody gives a shit about your birthday. It's not a holiday. You may feel special but ultimately everyone including Hitler and Obama have birthdays, they may even share one with you. There isn’t much more annoying than the guy/gal that insists on being a douchebag but tries to excuse their behavior by explaining… it’s my birthday. Nobody gives a shit, you are a douchebag.

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3. Christmas

I’m sure my Jewish friends would agree that this goes for Hanukkah too, even though it started before Thanksgiving this year, for some weird reason. But while Christmas can bring cheer and joy, it never lives up to the hype. There is always too much stress surrounding every minute between Thanksgiving and Christmas, that it never has a chance to be as magical as advertised. Especially now with everyone trying to start the Christmas season earlier and earlier, Rudolph is starting next week and Christmas music started last week. Why are we putting ourselves through all this? Are the 25 days in December not enough? Listening to those jolly tunes is like setting off a time bomb. The clock on the bomb always lasts exactly as long. Why do we want to meltdown before Christmas happens instead of allowing enough time to make it to New Years? The earlier you start the Christmas time bomb the sooner the stress over money, gifts and family will explode within you. Not that anyone cares about each other anymore but the more you stretch out the giving season the more people will end up focusing on themselves due to stress. Let’s reel it in a bit and make Christmas special once again.

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2. Easter

This may be the most puzzling of all the holidays. The story goes as this; a rabbit, a mammal, lays eggs that are filled with candy and hides them for kids to find? Sounds like something someone on the FBI’s Most Wanted list would do. Enough out of me, Robin Williams has said it better than anyone else can…

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1. Valentines Day

Fellas, do yourselves a favor and announce that you refuse to go out on Valentine’s Day before the next relationship to fall into. Make that a stipulation. Trust me, just tell her “Look I don’t do Valentine’s Day. If you want to go someplace special that weekend or one of the days around Valentine’s Day I would love to, but not on Valentine’s Day because it is insensible and I won’t be that tormented or pussy-whipped”

Don’t call me a homophobe or anything, but like lawyers, the gays have in fact had a hand in ruining the world. While they have mostly done good in raising property values by fixing up their houses and creating a much nicer neighborhood, they have also been the tipping point on this GD atrocity of a “holiday”. This day was created and marketed for chicks. For a while it was a 50/50 battle but now the gays have tipped the scales. It has given this stupid day a new life and a bigger flame than ever before.

The unquestionable worst thing about Valentines Day is it’s lack of commitment to a day. You know it was created by and marketed towards chicks when it is a specific date instead of day like Thanksgiving. If this day wasn’t created for chicks it would have been held on the second Tuesday of every February. It wouldn’t ever coincide with a weekend or major sporting event, because Tuesday’s always suck. Us guys shouldn’t have to give up something major in order to prove our love for you. Taking the LADY (In Jerry Lewis tone) some place special and having a great time on a Tuesday night should be more than enough.

Little tangent but I played that for two reasons; A. because of the “LADY” comment that reminded me of him and B. because it fits today, aka Black Friday. What a joke people become today. Not for nothing but the idiots fighting each other to get into the mall aren’t really getting a much better deal than they could even tomorrow, Saturday. Also, if all the stores don’t have major sales on one particular day then they would save money. 1. It’s not like it’s going to create less gifts to buy and 2. It creates more overtime and holiday pay for a workforce that is inflated for the sole purpose of handling this one day. Everyone that leaves the house on Black Friday, feels dumb to me. Even the easiest of errands can become a chore as all the cattle line the streets in their Honda CRV’s.

I think I forgot this was about Valentines Day there for a minute. Let’s get to some Aisha Tyler for some Valentines Day stand up… 

Amidst a few laughs everyone should take away from that, that there is no such thing as staging a perfectly romantic night, especially when it’s expected. There is too much pressure and there are too many expectations. The LADIES need to settle down with the Valentines Day stuff and work with us dudes. We want to please you, we just want to be logical while doing so.


Friday, November 29, 2013 

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