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2013 Movie Preview

I hope all the movie fans out there love superheroes. Because the childish phase doesn't seem like it will ever end. Get ready for another year of a lot of the same shit. But there are a few bright spots to look forward to. Please join me in sifting through the garbage.

A Good Day to Die Hard
February 14th

Obviously this is just a money grab. I think we can all agree that while we probably will see this flick eventually we certianly don't need it. In this rendition suddenly John McClane has a son played by Jai Courtney whom I've never heard of, but you're not going to believe this his son gets into a bit of trouble over in Russia. So poppa McClane needs to fly over and save his kid. It's going to be fun and terrible.

21 and Over
March 1st

Some of the creators of the Hangover bring you another movie in which people get completely fucked up. This feels like a cross between The Hangover and Project X. Nobody I've ever heard of is in it, but it's a movie about a newly turned 21 year old and his two friends getting him wasted. It should be another fun party movie that will be well worth a watch once it's free. 

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
March 15th

Here's a movie I may see in the theatres. Jim Carrey and Steve Carrell star in a movie about two dueling magicians. Two of the best there are will square off. It's going to be one of the most silly movies of the year but with that Carrell and Carey should be able to deliver many laughs. 

GI Joe: Retaliation
March 29th

Should have been released last year, but they decided there wasn't enough Channing Tatum in it. The sad part is I kind of want to see this. I'm not paying any money or anything for it, and I saw the first one I think. I remain unsure because I believe I got it on Netflix and watched it but don't remember a single thing from it besides it sucked asshole. But this one has The Rock in it and the trailer looks like it could be fun to watch. 

Scary Movie 5
April 12th 

Again? Charlie Sheen returns and Lindsay Lohan joins on for what should be one of the worst movies you've ever seen. Not to mention that there haven't been any good horror movies since the first Scary Movie came out. So if you expect to laugh even once you are expecting too much

April 19th

Your typical Tom Cruise movie. A futuristic blockbuster that will gather a lot of hype and ultimately be mediocre at best. Morgan Freeman being cast opposite Tom gives me some hope, but I expect to be a bit disappointed with the story in this one. 

Iron Man 3
May 3rd

These superhero movies are just turning into the worlds biggest money grab. Iron Man 2 sucked balls, under no circumstances should a third one have been made. But it gets made because there's so many dumb people and nerds out there that will go see it. The only thing this movie has going for it in my opinion is bringing Guy Pearce in. He's a great actor and hopefully will help it be more like the first and less like the second.

Star Trek Into Darkness
May 17th

This is alongside the superhero movies but at least the first one in this new series was good. They haven't had a shitty one yet. But once this one sucks and they make a third I'll be saying the same thing. But Star Trek isn't out of the woods yet. It's a regurgitation of a previous idea. Could someone please have an original thought of some sort? I mean just lie to us like Starship Troopers did.

The Hangover Part 3
May 24th

Some people didn't like the second one and I'm not sure how they could feel that way. It's by no means a good movie and it's by no means better than the first. But it's funny as hell and deserves some credit. Yes it's the same thing as the first one, what the fuck did you expect. You can't take away points from the movie because you are too retarded to see the obvious. This will be more of the same, same general story with more outrageous things going on, that will bring laughs. And the laughs is how this should be measured. You can't tell me this isn't funny...

The best part of the movie in my opinion. And if any of you are being cunts and saying "well ya that part was funny but what about the rest of the movie" Stop being such a douche. Your the guy that can't admit he's wrong. Just cause you didn't like it the one time you watched it, if you find that scene funny the movie itself should be a joy to watch. 

Fast Six
May 24th

For those of you keeping track, Fast Five was simultaneously the best and worst of the 'Fast' series. Somehow the arm butter budget for The Rock didn't prevent this film from happening so enjoy it while you can. Also if you hear about a Fast Seven in advance make sure you buy into  some arm butter stock.

After Earth
June 7th

Will Smith and his son Jaden star in a futuristic movie in which they crash land on an Earth that was evacuated by humans 1000 years before. Will Smith continues to try and make his son a movie star while continuing his own relatively safe movie streak. 

Superman: Man of Steel
June 14th

Here's a superhero movie I'm actually excited for, as far as these types of movies go. And the only reason is that Christopher Nolan is directing it. He has proven himself to be one of the best in the business and he should be able to turn this into one hell of a movie.

Monsters University
June 21st

One of if not the best animated movie ever finally gets its long awaited sequel. I shouldn't have to do much convincing here, I think everybody is on board with this one.

Kickass 2
June 28th

The first one was a bit of a cult hit. I've heard a range of reactions to the first. I've heard it was the best movie of that year and I've heard it was the worst movie of all time. I thought it was somewhere in the middle. Probably more leaning towards terrible. I found it very mediocre, my least favorite type of movie. But as far as this one goes, if you liked the first you will almost certainly like the second. But if you didn't like the first Jim Carrey is in this one so it may just be worth watching. 

Despicable Me 2
July 3rd

Personally I'm not sure why they made a second one. But AP3 for instance swears by the first one. I found it to be good not great, but anything with Steve Carrell in it is worth watching in my opinion. Although after watching 'Seeking a Friend' last night, I might have to start rethinking that theory.

The Lone Ranger
July 3rd

Is anyone excited for this? AP3 and I have the Johnny Depp debate once in a while. He doesn't like him, I think he's great. He has somewhat of a point, but I think he's penalizing Depp for his movie choices too much. Not that this movie is going to make my point very well, but he seems to pick movies that nobody else would do. He doesn't do the Will Smith thing and only make blockbusters. He picks some artsy fartsy movies that aren't that good and he shines in. He definitely may be overrated but the only thing I penalize him for is his weird partnership with the worst person in film, Tim Burton.

Grown Ups 2
July 12th

Can we please boycott this? The first one was Sandler just going on vacation with his friends while filming it and the second one will be just as aggressively bad. What pisses me off is that this is going to make another $100 million. If you keep going to see these shitty movies then they are going to keep making them. 

Pacific Rim
July 12th

This is going to get swept up in the 'Summer Blockbuster' category but it deserves so much more. The special effects are out of this world and there's a Del Toro directing this one. It sort of reminds of a new age Transformers but they're fighting sea monsters. Sounds silly when I say it like that and I'm sure it will be. But it will also be fun. Remember when I said lie to us like Starship Troopers did? That's what they are doing, and that deserves at least a bit of a payoff.

July 19th

Here's an original idea that may have gone out of control. Ryan Reynolds Kevin Bacon and Jeff Bridges star in a movie about undead police officers trying to solve the murder of a recently slain Ryan Reynolds.

The Wolverine
July 26th 

Another movie nobody needs. The 97th, roughly, installment of the Wolverine franchise. I'm not sure how much more you can delve into the background of a guy who's background was already ran through in two hours of another movie. I'm just baffled as to who's excited to see this. Or why they would want to. 

300: Rise of an Empire
August 2nd

I couldn't get through the first half hour of the first movie. And that was when Gerard Butler was in it. Why am I watching this clear money grab?

August 9th

Matt Damon and Jody Foster live in a world where the wealthy live on a space station and the rest live on ruined planet Earth, when a battle breaks out. Word is this could be gathering some Oscar buzz

September 6th

I couldn't find a trailer but do you really need one? 'Pitch Black' was one of the more underrated sci-fi movies of its time, but since then they've killed it with now two unwanted sequels.

Cloudy 2: Revenge of the Leftovers
September 27th

I love Bill Hader but how many times can you make raining food a problem? Can we get someone to explain why it's a bad thing to the people living in Africa?

October 18th

I'm not sure how this movie could go wrong. A budget of $80 million with Clooney and Bullock staring as astronauts. They filmed this with the same technology that 'Children of Men' was filmed with and had James Cameron say that it was five years ahead of its time. At the very least it will be a fun experience at the IMAX theatre. But it should be one of the best films of the year too boot.

Paranormal Activity 5
October 25th

I'm not following who is still watching these movies. You can only really enjoy one of them. After that it's the same movie. I enjoyed the first one thoroughly and then couldn't stop bashing my head against the wall during the next two. I won't be seeing the fourth and I won't be seeing the fifth, there's just no need.

Thor: The Dark World
November 8th 

Thor was one of the main reasons I've had enough with superhero movies. When it was Batman, Superman, or Spiderman I could deal with it. Now every nonsense superhero gets their own movie. Who gives a shit about this guy? Plus didn't the first one suck hardcore? Why do I need to see this shit?

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
November 22nd

I liked the first one but couldn't quite get past the dumb main story line. People are just fine with sending their kids to death? I don't get it, but it was a good movie, mostly thanks to the incredibly talented Jennifer Lawrence. This one can't be as good but it will be bigger and again thanks to Jennifer Lawrence will be worth watching.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
December 13th

Another shitty stretched out sequel we don't need. The first three Lord of the Rings movies were all based on one book each. The Hobbit is three movies based on one book. Since they need to suck you into the first and they need to make the third memorable this one is really going to suck ass. And that's saying something when you compare them to the rest.

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Anchorman: The Legend Continues
December 20th

Without a doubt the most anticipated movie of 2013. The first was arguably the best comedy ever so this has big shoes to fill. But with all the talent signed on I fully expect it to live up to expectations.

The Wolf of Wall Street

With Leo and Scorsese this will almost certainly gain Oscar steam as the year goes on. Also returning to a more serious role is Jonah Hill whom shined in Moneyball last time he did.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

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